It's been awhile since I wrote on this here blog, so thought may as well tonight! Just going to ramble on about what matters to me and the way I see things, so continue reading if that's your want and go away and jump into a dry river bed from the moon if it's not!
There comes a time when the everyday becomes the everyday and personally I cant be arsed with that everydayness. Not that I am a drone of sameness in any shape or form, or so I like to believe! Neither up nor down grand old Duke of York style of crossroads is where its at! It's just that imagination and energy are given for a reason to one and all and I've came to the conclusion that I have lost track of using my imagination and having any real energy to continue any snippets of genuine ideas that could break out a route to something new or something to add, to either enjoy or share.
Maybe it's reaching the haloed 40 mark and I am encountering the first pangs of a tepid mid-life crisis that is driving me to as Fagin would say "review the situation" or maybe I'm just at the transition stage of change. I'm a exponent of change and hold firm beliefs that change is as el natural as breathing or singing in the bath! Now the importanto thing here is identifying what needs to change and then making it happen. I'm no fool in the listening game either and try make a living out of it, sometimes well, other times....! Strange then how hard it is to listen to the wee voice constantly nagging inside myself saying "You gotta do something man, you gotta do something man, do it do it do it" That voice should always be there like an eternal loop of self motivational mantra that keeps you not only on your toes but merrily dancing on them.. I like to think mine has been on it's holidays for awhile, sipping cocktails in an exotic dreamland, playing a tunes of epic harmonic and evangelical quality from a golden harp! Well It's holiday's are over, harp man has come back revitalised and eager to be heard.
Apart from harp man's eternal gibbering, another sign of encroaching change is the way I have started to become extremely intolerant of my routine and the environment that it is played out in. The 5 times weekly commute to my work place has become a real torture and ordeal, so much so that I daily imagine murdering other people for trivial happenings that occur on the rat race conveyor belt. A recent and regular example of this is the way that people behave whilst standing waiting on the train in the morning. I'd noticed that the simple act of standing waiting on a train and the procedure to board said train has become a serious game of chess!
Everyone strategically surveys there position, trying hard to look nonchalant and giving out a "ha what do i care" vibe when in fact everybody knows inside they are saying to the 5 or 6 people standing nearest to them on the platform trying to look the same " Ah yes, got a great spot here and see if any of these fuckers beside me even tries to get on that train before me then I will kill them, I will kill them effortlessly and gladly. No one will beat me to the seat, NO-ONE, because I am the king, the master, the all powerful boarder of a train champion!"
On Tuesday I played the game!! Now usually the only thing I care about is getting on the train and not ending up beside an unwashed type or a greeting wean, these are usually my only rules that I try stick to but will not be to bothered if luck has it I have to stand beside either one for 5 mins! However something kinda snapped on Tuesday and I became a roaring, raging inside crazed boarder of the train type. On standing waiting on the train I though "fuck it Martin lets see who wants to PLAY! lets see who wants to PLAY" So talking myself up, "right your 6 foot tall, 16/17 stone, you look like a madman anyway, you have intelligence on your side, you once beat a computer at chess, this will be easy!"
Train arrives, and movement begins to the edge of the platform, the train has not even stopped yet and the game is well and truly on. I make my move, silently using my height and madman look I ease to the train door. However I slightly miss-judge the timing of the expected stopping point of the train and it glides past me by about 10 feet or so. The players see their chance and within a second they are about to win the first part of the game (best position of opening of the doors 10 points). Well no chance, not today there is a new player in the field and he will overcome all comers! I just kinda quick stepped it with my arm actually rubbing the side of train, using my speed as warning to others to "get out my way you bastard!" in silence they knew, I knew, I meant business! A few glances of "who does he think he is eh eh, he is craaaaazzzy, did you see that move there, better just let him get the position!" Result 10 points were mine all mine and I felt release!
Now this wee episode not only happened on the train but continued getting off the train, buying a subway ticket, going down the escalator, on the subway and walking up the stairs of the subway until I got to work where I came down from the chess horse and felt a slice like me again! Oh and for the record think I tallied up around 73 points!!
Comes a time and that time is evidently overheard and punching me in the face rather hard if a 20 minute trip to work can turn my natural state into one of caveman tendencies that imagines that perfectly acceptable human beings need to die horrible deaths for going to work!
Part of me yearns for the seemingly unreachable and I can tend to day dream in earnest and actually enjoy being a fully participating character in these dreams. However, realising that time is of essence and it's only the other wee voice of the Victorian Preacher of "thou shall not, thou shall be happy for what you got, thou should give praise that you are not dying of some horrible plague like disease" That is holding me back, then why listen to this pollutant in my head, why give credence to such a nasty piece of nothingness. As Billy Connolly so eloquently puts it "thou fucking shall!"
If there is one thing I am certain about myself it's that I struggle big time with preconceived ideas of happiness. Its like the opening lines of "Trainspotting" (trains again!! wtf) Get a life, get a car, have 2.5 kids, watch mind numbing game shows ect etc.....! No one forces this preconceived ideals on me its just that its' everywhere you look and it's a traditional way of living for millions of folk. I have no issues with that what so ever, whatever floats your boat man. I'd be needing a life jacket and a supply of flares and maybe a packet of jammy dodgers as I know I'd sink into oblivion of numbness. Iv'e been there, Iv'e gone there, Iv'e lived there and Iv'e bombed there.
So what's the plan Stan? Well the next few months shall be a battle royal between HARP MAN and VICTORIAN PREACHER. This will be a real tester of the age old day and night legend, no holes barred a fight to the bitter end or a fight to the sweet beginning. A date has been set, a venue secured,the ring is being prepared, the tickets have sold out and the beers have been sprung. My limited amount of money is hedged on harp man!
Comes a time!
Seconds away round 1 "ding ding"
"mon the harp man!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CraNirtmI50
